Then why aren't i feeling it?

For 3 weeks work cut my hours && they gave me every single day (Saturday just gone thru Sunday 23rd), with Xmas Eve off, but Xmas Day on, then 2 days off before i have to work again.

I swear it's punishment! A friend is flying down to see me for 5 days, and now I won't actually get to see her, except maybe a few hours on one day!! I feel bad cos she came to see me, and it's her only holiday for another year, and she's wasting it in my crappy city, out in the middle of nowhere, and I can't go out to see her in my breaks cos by the time I drive out there, I have to leave again.

So at least mum's happy....i'm not even home much for the next week. Least I'll come into the NY with money, and an even more desperate drive to escape my job.

^ and that guy I like...he's clearly not interested, nothing from him. But that's life.

...I can't wait for Xmas and NY to be over...

I don't see my family on Xmas day because of work...and everything i want, can't be bought...but sure as hell would be easier if I could!

This whole work thing is driving me insane...and somewhat stressing me out mentally.

Firstly this temp job is casual so no guaranteed work = having to keep my current causal weekend job that has been slowly driving me to hate weekends ...and in a straight jacket soon. + I get doubled taxed for two jobs!

It's only been a week but I am wondering if this was the right thing. The week long assignment turned into 2 days. This temp jobs means I had to drop one day a week (for these 2 weeks - since I thought I'd be working more- that's what they said) - so less hours and less money for something thats casual.

I just want a full time job.
I want to quit my other job. Work full time and have money! (well after I pay all my freaking bills)

I have no idea what to do. I know it's too early to judge how this temp job will go, but I don't know how much longer I can stay at my current job before I throw myself off (the proverbial) bridge.

I AM SOOO EXCITED!

I got a call today from a consulting agency. they want me to come in for an interview (which I am tomorrow) as they are seeking new staff to employ as temping administration staff within many organisations!)

I just feel so happy.
Someone took the time to talk to me and gave me the time of day (seeings I have NO experience in Admin) and providing me with an opportunity to get new skills and another job.

I am so excited!! I had my nails done today...maybe the whole good luck thing may have worked?

I just got to remember, like the last job interview....it's all positive experience, nothings personal and chances to improve are always there.

On the verge of wanting to delete this journal again...seems a waste when there never seems to be any posts regarding good things.

Almost finished Uni. Friday is deadline for my final assignment.

Applied for another job.
Think that makes application 10 or 12.

Not necessarily overjoyed or sad about finishing University; relieved a little (that I actually made it thru after all those half ass attempts at trying to quit!) ...but also anxious and nervous and stressed.

I really want full time work more then anything. Part of me believes it will make me happy.
Or at least thats the suggestion.

Getting acrylics done tomorrow. Yep still on the endless cycle of nails like I have the past 3 years. Nothing changes.

Somehow I seem to always think getting acrylics will somehow improve the way I feel about myself....maybe try number 9 ...maybe this ones the lucky one???

Here's hoping another job comes along (before soon I end up in a straight jacket at work) and that I feel some sort of direction and purpose.

My Inspiration:
Dusty:

"I'm a woman who has learnt not to expect too much from life. And that's not a downer because there is a difference between expectation and hope. I shall become something different and successful all over again. I will retain the good things because they're still valid. But I want to add to them, not live off them."

"I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I had cancer. Life is about what's in front of me. I could have died, but I didn't and I won't, dammit."

Tonight was ....interesting!

1) My friend thought me saying I'd go over seas meant.... "I'll go overseas but fly a month and a half to two months later...back for the wedding and then return overseas."
Then she was a little surprised I was delaying my plans for her ....lets just hope she doesn't push the wedding back further than!

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As I am beginning a new mission to change myself slowly, I've decided after I get my assignments done (only 2.5 weeks left!) I am going to go get my hair done....get acrylic French nails done and start working on myself.

I spend so much time in my mind being so critical of myself, that it great distorts my body image.

A constant fight with the same old enemy.

So I have decided what I am going to do in regards to the wedding.

I am going to put my life and travel plans on hold for her wedding.

As much as I want to travel and find myself ...I've waited this long...what's an extra 4-6months more waiting on top?

The selfish side of me wanted to make me happy....but if I had been in her place and I was getting married, I'd be rather upset if she wasn't there.

I guess for a moment I got caught up in the excitement of doing something for myself...and for once, my self alone.

It's made me a little sad. Since now I am weeks away from finishing University....but I know I never really had an option...I just couldn't miss her wedding for anything....friends just don't do that.
That and she's got me buying my bridesmaids dress soon LOL...then I'm in the wedding party for sure!

I'm thinking maybe I will only go over either late nov or jan for a few months then to the US ...cos I have to be back the next year by later in the year because of another wedding I am in....and umm...you'd notice the matron of honour missing!

Idk...without the trip to look forward to, next year isn't exciting anymore.

Just me, and my parents....my brother being mr hot-shot 'i got a job interstate straight out of University'

But I love my friend so the main thing is I will see her get married :)

And as I have been trying to remind myself....



Maybe after finishing University, something may come along, change my life and things will get better =)

Besides, between now and middle of next year I could be in a really good job and not want to leave it...and it could have changed my plans anyway....everything will eventually work out =)

One of the jobs I applied for has been filled.... 3 more left to find out about.

No point being sad. Where's it going to get me?

I don't know what to do.
The friend I've known the longest and kept in touch with, is getting married the end of next year, and it's like the constant topic of conversation ... and how I am a bridesmaid.
I told her my wishes to travel overseas mid-way through next year, and she knows that, yet she keeps slipping back and talking about my bridesmaid dress etc.

I don't know what to do?

I don't know how life is going to work out next year, I am desperately trying to get into full-time work now, and I guess going away will depend on what job I am in, and if I still want to go ahead. And I don't know what to do.

Should I just hold plans to be there for her wedding (besides what's another 4 months of unhappiness) or do I still go away?

Because I don't know how next year will pan out, I really don't know what to do.
Maybe my plans to work overseas may fall through, or maybe if I get full time work and like it enough I will stay and maybe only head over to the UK temporarily ...for say 4 months instead of 9.

And I know how much she'll want me there...since even some others who she's close to aren't her bridesmaids and yet I received the honour.

And what makes it worse, is that I am closer to her, and she wants me as a bridesmaid, and a girl I only have known this year has me as her Matron of Honour ...so how can I say no to someone I have known for 11 years? and yes to someone I've only come to know.

Any suggestions?

So I am going to try this whole LJ thing once again, something about deleting entries in my old one doesn't stop the negativity- and I am really trying to work on myself and try and find something I can take away from the experience and how I currently may feel, and turn it into some sort of lesson learnt.

It will also be a more proactive approach of applying for full time work, even though I don't finish Uni for a month roughly, might as well start trying- that and I am pretty sure soon the end of the rope I am on with my current job (I have had it), I will metaphorically hang myself by it. I just can't handle their crap anymore, and I have the fastest changing mood swings with them, to the point I will say the truth in an unkind way (to a supervisor) and not realise I said it.

So this journal starts with the 4 administration jobs I applied for at entry level.
Fingers crossed.